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"You're either Headline news, or Deadline news, dollface."

-Monoch saying

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Early January Edition, 1997

CITY HALL SHAKE-UP!

Honorable Mayor THURMOND GRAVY’s office declined to comment about yet another young…flexible female intern stepping forward with claims of gross sexual misconduct during her tenure serving aboard the Mayoral staff. For those out there with enough fingers to count, that ups the list of claimants to 11 who have stepped forward to add to the beleaguered Mayor’s gaggle of accusers within the last month. Personally, this reporter wonders if our dear leader is going for an even dozen in the hopes of breaking some sort of personal record. We’ll keep you posted with further sultry developments.

GANGLAND SHOOTING OR PR STUNT?

Notorious Gurf gansta rapper BIG MEALZ was ruthlessly gunned down Friday evening while officiating a curbside dice game in Skanko’s hazardous Downtown district. Sources say that the foul-mouthed entertainer was shot no less than 6 times and is currently in stable condition. While many fans of the artist came out in full support of the iconic lyricist, some are skeptical about the timing of the non-lethal attack, which correlates with the much-hyped release of his highly anticipated third album “Street Sawngz: Volyoom Won.” This latest incident is yet another in a seemingly endless streak of startling violence that has racked Skanko’s Downtown district since the end of the Great Goblin War. Hugs, not guns, people.

MORE MINOTAUR MUTILATION

The Minotaur community was rocked this past Saturday when yet another Bovine corpse was found disturbingly dissected in an alleyway in Midtown Skanko. Police have yet to identify the victim, as the gruesome remains were ravaged beyond identification. This marks the fourth such incident, and Minotaur Rights Activist RYLOX UDDERWORTH was not at all pleased with the situation. “Frankly, we’re tired of the lack of answers and action that the Skanko PD have provided thus far. It has come to the point where my people cannot even walk their own labyrinths without fear of harm.” Representatives of the Skanko Police Department have yet to label this latest in a string of grisly murders as a hate crime.

CLAUDIA BACON SIZZLES

By popular demand, famous Monoch jazz singer CLAUDIA BACON has added three more shows to her already sold out string of dates on her successful two-week run of performances at the legendary DUSK CLUB in Uptown Skanko. Audiences were left riveted by the sultry singer’s sinful tones and box offices were flooded immediately after tickets went on sale. Believe me, dear readers, this reporter will certainly be in the front row for that one!

MIDTOWN GADGET RIOT CAUSES MILLIONS IN PROPERTY DAMAGE

Crowds waited for hours to pick up the latest offering from high-tech gizmo gurus over at THE MANGO CORPORATION, who released their latest version of the Mangophone V6, which has approximately one more button than last year’s V5 version. Unfortunately, however, after supplies ran low and demand for pre-orders could not be met, the crowd quickly turned violent, smashing windows and pillaging a series of Midtown shopping centers in blazing hot consumer retaliation. Mango Corporation CEO and resident techno-wiz-kid JODEN GOLDENSTONE told this reporter via video conference, “We here at Mango are stunned and saddened to hear about recent events involving the consumer riots, certainly, but at the very least, these rioters had exquisite taste.” The 15 year old Unkzo technological genius founded the company when he was 11 years old, and is one of the wealthiest businessmen in all of Skanko. Have you upgraded your Mangophone yet?